Bud Johnson Attributions

I've always lauged at the various Bud Johnson jokes -- outrageous and excessive attributions of skill and credit in the style of a Chuck Norris joke. And, I wanted to look back into time and start collecting these Bud jokes, as some were really funny and unique to our sport. In doing some of that research, I realized Bud is one of us! As a relative newcomer to the CMRA, I'd not met or heard of Bud other than the mythical Chuck Norris of racing...

So, where did it begin?

As far as I can tell on the board, Bud's mystique began with his award of the Ty Howard rookie expert in October of 2008, or perhaps a crash about that same time. Perhaps Chris Randle deserves the credit for pushing the snowball down the mountain? The thread is here: http://www.cmraracing.com/ubbthreads...=110677&page=1

But the real point of this was to collect the best of Bud Johnson attributions, and here they are...
(please reply with any I've missed)



Bud Johnson frequently donates blood to the Red Cross, just not his own.

Bud Johnson wears a beard to hide his other fist

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Bud Johnson allows to live.

Bud Johnson is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Bud Johnson is so tough that the sun rotates around him.

(after his OHR crash)
Bud Johnson is so tough, instead of getting his bones fixed, he upgraded his skeleton to Titanium.

Bud Johnson is so tough, he once had an awkward moment, just to see how it felt.

Bud Johnson's first job was paperboy; there were no survivors.

His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man's body.

His blood smells like cologne.

The pheromones he secretes effect people miles away… in a slight, but measurable way.

His hands feel like rich, brown swede.

He almost broke the land speed record in 1977, popular opinion among his team was that is beard caused to much wind resistance. He would have shaved it… No, no he wouldn’t have.

He's simply Bud Johnson, "The Most Interesting Man in the World" ain't got shyte on him.

...But he has to be careful with all of those pheromones while walking a miniature poodle, while although it may still look masculine, the leg humping just takes a certain something away from the situation.

(in response to a picture posted of Bud dragging hard parts)
Those aren't sparks from the muffler, it's the track expelling chaff in a last ditch countermeasure against his attack. No ordinary man can make the track fear him.

I heard Bud Johnson's bike once spit a drive chain in a race. He coasted to a halt, got off the bike and calmly walked off into the brush. Moments later, he returned with a six-and-a-half-foot diamondback rattler, which he proceeded to thread around his bike's sprockets. A stern look from Bud was all it took to get the terrified serpent to clamp its fangs down on its own tail, thus completing the loop. Bud re-mounted the bike and rejoined the race. He didn't win, but the snake lived, and to this day that rattler hisses the story to its awed grandchildren.

Bud Johnson doesn't need a transponder, he decides what laptimes show up. More often than not, they're negative.

When Bud Johnson twists the throttle, the Earth spins faster.

In a race at Oak Hill on Tron LightCycles between Ben Spies, Collin Edwards, Ty Howard, Dustin Dominguez and Derek Wagnon, the winner would be Bud Johnson.

Bud Johnson once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "who has more testicles" contest. Bud won by 5.

Chuck Noris, Superman, and Batman wear Bud Johnson underwear.

The results for the upcoming Hallett round have been posted. Spoiler alert: Bud Johnson won all the races.

Bud Johnson also rode the 4-hr. big bike endurance race by himself. He won the race by 5-hours.

Bud Johnson raced himself once. They both came in 1st.

Bud Johnson highsided once, just to see what it felt like, but landed directly on the seat of his still-upright motorcycle and won the race anyway. He was not disappointed because everything worked out exactly to plan.

In 1989, Bud Johnson was the CMRA #1 plate holder...two times.

Bud Johnson can rub pieces of fire together to make wood.

(In reference to the volcano in iceland that disrupted MotoGP)
it's not really a volcano. it's bud johnson's porta-john. When bud johson has to go #2, he walks to iceland; it's faster than flying. When bud johnson uses the porta-john, they cancel moto gp races.

Bud Johnson does not NEED the Internets. His minions keep him informed of everything he considers important.

Bud Johnson gives this thread 3 thumbs up.

Bud Johnson once successfully shifted his bike into seventh gear on the front straight at TWS.

At Hallett, the turn everybody else calls "The B****" puts on a nice dress and brings him a beer and a sandwich.

Bud Johnson "tugged on Superman's cape". Superman couldn't do anything about it, because Bud came from Krypton too. There, he was known as "El-Bud", was the town bad boy, and rode a BSA Gold Star. He might be Superman's genetic father.

Bud Johnson "spit into the wind". He was so naturally aerodynamic that the spit entered his slipstream and, due to the natural laminar flow set up by his bristles, never touched his face before it reformed in his minimal wake turbulence.

Bud Johnson "pulled the mask off that old Lone Ranger". Tonto cried at his Kemosabe's embarrassment, and the Lone Ranger began drinking heavily to assuage a bad case of PTSD.

Bud Johnson "messed around with Jim". And NO, not THAT way...and that's not what Jim Croce meant when he wrote the song about Bud, known in the 1970s as "Slim".

Bud Johnson will cheat only where Death is concerned. This has happened so much that Death fears HIM.

Bud Johnson won the Daytona 200 and only stopped once, to have the brakes removed from his bicycle, because they were slowing him down.

Anheiser Busch just came out with a new beer called "Johnson". Its been aged since the repeal of Prohibition and will kick your butt just opening the can. Anheiser Busch officials denied that it was brewed from Bud Johnson's bodily fluids, trying to claim it was from their Clydesdale stock. But, Bud Johnson tasted the brew and announced, " This don't taste like no ordinary horse p!$$!. " Johnson filed a law suit and the judge was so impressed by the filing, 5 minutes later he was the proud owner of Bud "Wiser" Johnson Brewing Co.

(re: Action shots of Bud Johnson)
Someone asked me about the photo I posted here of Bud in T1. It's a little bit of an unsual shot because I snapped it using an insane shutter speed of 1/1,000,000 of a second -- and I still got a bit of blur in the background and with the spokes!

Funny, I figured it was shot at 1/c because Bud was traveling at the speed of light in that shot.

You might be right, and I admit it was a difficult shot. I actually took the shot as Bud was going through T2, but the camera couldn't keep up and ended up capturing him as he came through T1 on the following lap.

Actually, I think that light tries to travel at the speed of Bud Johnson. It has yet to succeed.

If the speed of light = X and the speed of sound = Y, what would X * Y = ? Answer: Bud Johnson

Bud Johnson's on-track speed cannot be measured by lap times or average speed. A radar gun is insufficient.

The only way to measure Bud's speed is through the Doppler Effect, on a scale based on light and not sound.

When a light reflected from Bud is red-shifted, Bud is accelerating away from you; conversly, when it is blue-shifted, Bud is accelerating towards you.

Einstein says that, due to Time Dilation, at the checkered flag, Bud's watch will be a few seconds slower than your's, assuming they were synchronized before the drop of the green flag.

How many light years is a lap around the universe? I don't know but apparently its about one "Bud Johnson Year".

Bud Johnson was recently sighted starting lap two of the intergalactic Rad-Moto race, light years ahead of the competition!

When Bud Johnson runs his hand through his hair, he generates 1.21 gigaWatts of electricity that is fed directly into the power system of his bike, car, house, airplane, or whatever he wants to power. Robert Zemeckis studied Bud Johnson before making "Back to the Future". The character of Marty is based on Bud.

Bud Johnson's colon is "shim-under bucket".

He shaves his head so which......uh.......never mind.

Most cities outlawed Bud running his hand thru his hair due to it causing blackouts, so he just keeps it shaved most of the time now....I guess that is except when electric GP bike racing?

Bud Johnson has bristles, and knows full well that bristles, while still technically hair, are BETTER.

Rumor is that Mother Nature heard that Bud might be traveling to Hallett this weekend and she thought it best to revise the forecast.

The fog in the valley and the high humidity at Hallett...bud johnson's competition sweating.

...turns don't highside riders...Bud Johnson does.

Bud Johnson will tell you when to be funny. he will also tell the rest of you when to laugh. also, he would not care about the armco. when bud johnson gets near armco, it moves out of the way.

Who needs tires...when you have Bud Johnson.

Bud Johnson does not need privacy from the track or those using it; they should be used to this view.

Dr. Costa is in awe of meeting Bud Johnson. rossi was there trying to get bud johnson's autograph. Had Rossi not met Bud Johnson, he would have finished 16th in a field of 15.

Moto GP was formed as a talent search program......looking for talent that might have a chance on beating Bud Johnson in a race.

Bud Johnson doesn't need any scoring system now or ever. He's already won the race, sipped the champagne, loaded his bike and gear, and is on his way home. Everyone else will be racing for second place at TWS in a few weeks.

(RE: Some squid wadding up his ride stunting..)
Bud Johnson says: You think that is how you stuff your foot into a wheel.....watch this.

Bud Johnson has three meals a day; blood, sweat, and tears.

Bud Johnson flosses with safety wire.

Bud Johnson uses MR9 for aftershave.

Bud Johnson once cut off his own foot just to see what it felt like. Then he sewed it back on. And he still won the race by two laps.

bud johnson gave hertell two tatoos.....by looking at him one time.

Bud Johnson once high sided his bike. He landed on another rider's bike and they still won the race, two up, by 5 laps.

Bud Johnson only allows Budweiser to call themselves the "King of Beers" because he is widely regarded as "Emporer".

Bud Johnson's monocoque is bigger, stiffer, and provides better feedback under higher stress loads.

Bud Johnson once raced immediately after crashing violently (but still winning the race) causing compound fractures to every bone in hos body; setting each bone surgically in the paddock, and performing brain surgery on himself. He won that race by 10 laps (it was a 6 lap race).

bud johnson could crap asphalt.

I've seen Bud Johnson chew rocks...it made concrete.

the club doesnt actually own the championship points. they're on loan from bud johnson.

In the only race Bud Johnson lost, he ran so so fast time dilation caused the 2nd place finisher to be declared the winner.

(RE: Cresson track conditions)
The crack was caused by a Bud Johnson power slide.

That seam is not there when Bud Johnson exits Wagon Wheel. It knows better...

when bud johnson lays down the gas, the entire Wagon Wheel rotates.

(re: AZ Wildfires)
This wallow fire is huge but they plan to call Bud Johnson to put it out with a fart.

Bud Johnson is so cool his farts are like a breath from a walk in fridge.

Wow! I didn't realize we gave Bud that much love! Awesome!
Jim, Bud is a really cool fella who is in his upper 60's. Not only is he one of the CMRA's oldest members (in age), he proved after a couple bad wrecks that he is one of the toughest. Has me beat for sure. LOL!

Bud Johnson is so tough that he flosses with safety wire and rinses with Amsoil.

I took this picture shortly after Bud finished teaching Dr. Costa how to treat lower leg injuries. Bud provides professional development from time to time.

http://img718.imageshack.us/img718/6...udioandbud.jpg

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

chris, im sorry but i think that is an image of bud giving dr. costa a cranial x-ray.

Bud Johnson once passed Sean Gurevich, while Sean was passing D. Wagnon.

Originally Posted By: Jim Dugger

In doing some of that research, I realized Bud is one of us! As a relative newcomer to the CMRA, I'd not met or heard of Bud other than the mythical Chuck Norris of racing...

Hey Jim, you can rest assured in knowing that, even though you didn't know until recently who Bud Johnson was, Bud Johnson has known who you are for long, long while.

There is no exaggeration of Bud Johnson.

I once tried to Google "Bud Johnson" and Google died. The lesson was that no one, absolutely no one searches Bud Johnson and lives!

:LIKE:

haha! Good one.
Niemi has started a trend.

you guys are nuts!

After touching down lightly at the base of the wall, dressed head to toe all in black, he looked quickly around him. The nearby crickets never stopped their creaking songs. It was quiet in the neighborhood as he wiped the still-warm blood from his prized Katana and slid it into its old teak scabbard. Another steely gaze around him was softened somewhat by a sudden slight, knowing smirk.

Then, hearing the sound of the approaching stealth helicopters as only he could, Bud Johnson stole away into the Abbottabad night...

Originally Posted By: Mark Niemi

chris, im sorry but i think that is an image of bud giving dr. costa a cranial x-ray.

that is actually true but we wanted to keep it on the DL.

While on safari, a young Bud Johnson returned to his campsite to find a strange spotted horse eating apples out of his food basket. Annoyed, Bud gave the horse a left uppercut, thereby inventing the giraffe.

Bud Johnson scored 1000 points in Words With Friends by playing the word "QI"

Time to stir the off-season pot.

Bud Johnson once finished a solo-run in mini endurance by saying "wow, when did we add laps to the F4 sprint?"

Bud Johnson beat Ty Howard once...with a roundhouse kick...

Bud Johnson beat Ty Howard with Derek Wagnon.

The Most Interesting Man in the World and Steve McQueen had a baby. They named him Bud Johnson.

Originally Posted By: Jim Dugger

Bud Johnson beat Ty Howard with Derek Wagnon.

That never happened.

Originally Posted By: Ty Howard

Originally Posted By: Jim Dugger

Bud Johnson beat Ty Howard with Derek Wagnon.

That never happened.

Bud Johnson beat Ty Howard so badly one time that he thought he was Howard the Duck.
http://onepagearticles.com/wp-conten...d_the_duck.jpg

Originally Posted By: Ty Howard

Originally Posted By: Jim Dugger

Bud Johnson beat Ty Howard with Derek Wagnon.

That never happened.

Concussions never fully heal.

Originally Posted By: Chris Randle

Originally Posted By: Ty Howard

Originally Posted By: Jim Dugger

Bud Johnson beat Ty Howard with Derek Wagnon.

That never happened.

Bud Johnson beat Ty Howard so badly one time that he thought he was Howard the Duck.
http://onepagearticles.com/wp-conten...d_the_duck.jpg

I do however remember that but didn't know it was Bud. Makes perfect since now.

Ever wonder why you've never seen a Zombie? Bud Johnson.

There are a million ways to kill a Zombie. I know because I read Bud Johnson's book "I Killed a Million Zombies".

Bud was first choice for the "World of Warcraft" commercial with Chuck Norris, but he was busy killing Zombies.

I'm watching "Zombieland" and I've had a few beers.

Bud Johnson doesn't watch movies. He just stares them down until they give up... for entertainment.

Once Bud was asked about kenny roberts senior and he said " the boy did just fine after he took my advice and put his knee down" bud inveted the knee puck accedently one day when he lost a front brake pad and put his knee down to trap it as it went by...he held it there the whole race, after winning the race by 5 laps..... he then reinstalled and used it all season. in this renowned incedent bud invented using your knee,the knee puck, and breaking in a brake pad all at the same time....nasa has it in there record books.

Places Bud Johnson is no longer welcome:

Hell (for now)
Heaven (for now)
Purgatory (for now)
Neither The Fortress of Solitude nor The Batcave
The Millenium Falcon
Kenny Roberts' Ranch
Abbottabad
Pancho's All You Can Eat
Sheldon's Apartment (he made it to "four strikes")
LV-426
Vegas
The Moonlight Bunny Ranch

in 1901, china had a population of 20,000.
then bud johnson drank a 12-pack and had a "night with the ladies".

...because Bud Johnson told me to bump this thread...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ronnie Hay

...because Bud Johnson told me to bump this thread...

---

Bud Johnson doesn't bump threads. He scares them to the top.

Bud Johnson had a forum once. It was pretty nice, but he soon grew bored with dealing with mere mortals and he moved on to better things worthy of his time. Now look at it:

http://motoglobetrotter.com/images/forum.jpg

I always liked the one when he wanted a cold drink...he didn't use ice cubes, he was so cool...he stirred it with his finger !